101 and counting

ついに一百一番のポストだ！とても長いストーリーはここに書いてあるよ！だって、僕の二年前からの記憶は全部ここにある。懐かしい...　金曜日はバンドのコンペティションだよ。準備はどうかわからないが、もっと自信があるようになるは今の要だ。この一週間にいくら努力しても、あまり効果的ではないと思う。そして、自信はないなら、大会の日にきっとその場合の空白を恐れる。その時は、大きく吹こうが吹くまいが、自分だけが聞こえる。だから、その十分に、夢幻の世界に行かなきゃ。いい夢を見て天国の幸せを感じる。後で現実の世界に戻る時、もう成功した。この四ヶ月の努力はそのただの八分のためなので、選択はない。唯一の結局は一番になる！

Part of the reason I am posting it in Japanese is because I regard anime as a virtual world, and hence dump my feelings into it. However, don't be discouraged if you really want to know what I am thinking, because I would be hopefully doing one in English soon. Give me some support for my SYF, then we can feel the school glory together.

Memories

おめでとうございます！これは一百番目のポストだ。読み続いてね！

前の日記を読むと、過去に返った感じが出る。しかし、あの時の人はお前が聞こえないし、見えないし、お前は存在ではなさそうだ。たぶん、それは違わないけど、過去に返った理由は前の自分を見る。もちろん、わからなかったことがある。いつも「どうしてそんな馬鹿なことをした」と自分に聞くが、答えが見つけられない。特にとても変なこと（誰にも教えられない）と変な反応だ。そんなことが説明できる唯一の理由はその自分はまだ若すぎたので、世界は自分にとってちょっと難しかった。でも、その時に思ってる事がもう全部忘れた。今できる事は過去の間違えを忘れて、新しい自分に変わる。

That was just another piece of reflection by me in Japanese, but somehow it was still hard to do some reflection in a foreign language. Most of the time, when you can't find a word to suit into your sentence, you think of another way to phrase the sentence. Thus, the hole that is there is never filled up. Is life about filling holes or building mountains. Not saying that one should be an all-rounder but you definitely need to fill up the right space. Hence...

Argh, I can't think of a good topic to crap about.

OK, let's talk about my emo-ness again. I haven't gone back to my virtual world for quite a long time. Having been dreaming a lot these days. Probably that's why people need to believe in God, for some illusion of there is someone supporting you from behind. However, when you are determined to deny God's existence, you needed some comfort zones to vent your anger and the pain of the real world, which is your virtual world. I am feeling very sian this term because of the long period before I went back during last December. Not able to do that during the March holidays either. Just hoping that there would be more school activities Next Term.

New Habit

Ever since I came into the small classroom of SC1, I developed a habit of grabbing the smooth door handle occasionally. I don't know why I like the door handle so much but I just felt like grabbing onto something when I didn't have a pen in my hand. Then, the guy beside me would say, "Walao, what's your problem? Hug the door handle for what?" Of course it's not because I actually like the door handle so much by my hands get itchy. Then today, the situation got worse. I was spinning a chair around myself during Bio lesson. Never found out the reason why I did that, but I was disappointed when I realised that the chair is hard. So hoping to grab something soft but couldn't. The Bio teacher did suggest me getting a soft toy, but I think it would be even more weird because if I do, I need a big one and can't probably put it into the classroom. Hence, I need to find an alternative solution, but for the meantime, I should probably just bear with it.

Going through teenage is rather weird. In the past, I often wanted what other had. Now, it's not what others have that I want, but what they don't. I want to show the unique side of myself, which isn't really unique. I've been wondering why I actually gave myself a freedom of speech. There were always things which I was too shy to tell others (you have been seeing a fake me all along). Teenage is evil. You gain more independence but wanted some care. You want people to say something to you although you may not need it. That's how I've been feeling for the 2 extra hours I am awake each day. Really hope to sleep early :)

Of course, everyone still has his own secrets. I can see what every loner needs because I am one myself. Why are people so lonely? I guess it's probably the situation in Singapore. Your friends live too far from you. You can't simply go to their houses every weekend like what my Jap teacher could. She says that students in Singapore are very pathetic. I wholeheartedly agree. There is no one you could actually consider a true friend. Whom you can see after school ends and not just a contact on MSN. Ask yourself, in your life, how many true friends have you had. I would say probably those in primary school. They were those who shared enjoyable memories outside school with you every afternoon, but they have to leave you. Then you move on to secondary school and get a new group of friends, who may not be very good friends with you but you see them more often and the challenging tasks develop teamwork among you, this is when your memories of past friends start to fade. Then you move on to JC, you forget the teamwork you developed with your friends in secondary school. Your new mugging group revises the same topics as you and score about the same marks as you in JC. University is all thats left, but no matter how many friends you make in the world, there is always a time to say goodbye. We all hate these moments. I loved the birthday parties in Primary School, I loved the joy and laughter in 2M, but the memories fade.

Got slightly affected by the CSE coordinator. I am in a weird state of mind now, not tired, not active, but blissful. These moments come occasionally, but I can't cherish them sometimes. Thank you for reading this long piece of crap. Please continue to be a reader.

Uniqueness with Scopophobia

I've actually realised long ago, that my personality has contradictions. I am a person that likes to be unique, but in most cases, unique=weird and in some cases crazy. Then some people quote from some books: but everyone is unique in their own way. I know that! But people in Singapore just looks so similar just that they have different faces. Of course, I am not referring to everyone but you certainly can group them.

Back to the point, you find yourself thinking in a way that is much different from the rest. However, there is this majority win rule that would take the decision of the majority which is not proven to be 100% effective. Therefore, you wouldn't dare to express yourself, especially with the "seek first to understand then to be understood" thing, which is not right. Say if there are 2 people and neither of them seeks to be understood first, there is not way they can become good friends because they can't even understand each other. If both are seeking to understand, then what is to be understood?

Therefore, all the famous quotes from people are either screwed, or people don't understand them the right way and screw them. So in the end everything is screwed.

Can this be why people are so uncreative? It is highly possible because the creativity of a person is confined within the general opinion of the public, which is usually wrong. We say this is wrong and that is wrong, but sometimes we never realise that it is simply the opinion of the public and not exactly wrong in any sense, just that the media has a certain level of high influence on us.

Thus, there is this false impression that being unique is wrong because other people don't think the way you do, which is what I must get rid of and heck the "weirdness" that is the opinion of the general public. I should just voice out my opinions like there is a rule of you having to say that I am right. Like saying: the general public is a large group of 废 people who limits the creativity of others and hence hinders the advancement of the society.

Careful till I am careless

This is the 2nd post this week. But, OMG! I left my homework file in SALT Centre! OK, the story was like this:

Just beginning to learn to do my homework in SALT Centre during full band, I brought my file in to the main hall of the SALT Centre band room to make full use of my time. However, the JC liked to practise after us, and this Friday, the cursed day when my classroom had the aircon left on and me leaving my homework file in SALT Centre, was no exception. So it neared 5 o'clock, and I had to take my measurements for the New blazer. The JC was moving in at that time, while I was being very careful about not missing any of the 7 things and counting which I am bringing into the band room: 1. Mouthpiece 2. Score 3. Pencil & Notebook 4. Water bottle 5. Metro-tuner 6. Pencil case 7. Homework File. Then I went down to take my measurements with YaoChong looking after my stuff, which he did rather well. Then the tailor hadn't came yet so we went back up for 10 min sectionals. So at 5.45, everything was done and I was packing up. Making sure that I had 7 things again and thinking that there is no way of losing anything, I packed by bag. BUT! Due to my habit of thinking that the pencil box is the last item, I LEFT MY HOMEWORK FILE THERE! I was thinking why it was so easy to put my pencil case into my bag then, but didn't suspect anything. Probably because all the music drowned my paranoia and of course partly due to my ****phobia... No, that day must be cursed. I bet that Friday the thirteenth has got some pronunciation relation ship with the thirtieth, and so does the fortune. Go check wikipedia, there's gonna be 3 more Fridays falling on the 13th! I better be less careful.

Incase you are wondering how many lessons I can survive through without my homework file, I would say probably half of them, because I won't be getting the neutralizing luck which I got on the Friday of the first week.

Venting my anger again

Part of the internet's job is to give people room for them to vent their anger. Despite my busy schedule, I am posting something here because I feel that there should be vengeance for mistreating me. So, I came home tired as usual, and hoping to watch another episode of CLANNAD, but somehow 土豆 is lagging like shit, so I gave up. Then I went to check SMB, and the seemingly most urgent message was the one which Laurang urging us to vote for GG. Who doesn't want to vote when she posted the same message a few weeks ago? But that bloody site requires me to sign up. Of course, I dislike filling in my particulars (it triggers my paranoia). So I didn't bother after that. However, the new message told us to sign up. So I 给了点面子 and signed up. That f*cking site requires a username more than 8 characters and less then 50. Who the hell needs a username of more than eight characters and which idiot would have a username of up to 50 characters? Imagine signing in at your friend's house. You type 50 characters and then later they say wrong username or password. Furthermore, there is no password strength requirement, so I just type an x there and with some hacking software anyone can get into my account in less than a second, retarded isn't it? Personally, I think a 3-character username is short, nice and easy to remember. Therefore, I didn't like it and signed up as "eight_characters". After that I tried voting again, but they said my account was inactive and made me take the trouble to go to my email and activate my account, and then the link below took me to some blank page that tells me there is a null error. I went back to the original page and tried again, but it didn't work and after 3 times it told me I've used up my quota. Therefore, I requested for a change of password, when I changed it back, I couldn't login again.

Now you get the point? I have spent much more time waiting for my internet to load than you reading this post and I couldn't vote in the end.

You must agree with me, STOMP is an A.H. website that contains loads of 牛の糞 that scams you for your personal information. I should sue them for this.

Regretting that I went early

I was at band camp for the past few days and obviously I didn't like it. Not talking about the food or the rules, just didn't like the cover up for the lack of programmes. Although it's a common problem to face a lack of programmes since the duration is decided before the schedule. However, anyone looking at the programmes would find it similar to Animal Farm. Morning: Band Practice, Afternoon: Free time, Evening: Sectionals. Seems alright at first sight, but what I want to talk about is the middle part. It's free time, but you should have sectionals. Not saying that there would be any penalty if you didn't, but of course the peer pressure that is present is the most important factor of all. Therefore, no one dared to slack off. For those of you who read Animal Farm, you should remember the officially called "Voluntary work" on Sunday, but if you don't work, you don't eat. However, this is a slightly different situation. As I've said earlier, there is only peer pressure that is present. However, peer pressure is not something which you can measure. Therefore, it would not be obvious whether you would have made any sacrifices for slacking off, especially in the modern society which is governed by law. Thus, Jia Sheng can say that we were given nice choices on how to use our time (e.g. go for an outing, movie, LAN etc.), but we simply were too enthusiastic. However, I doubt that he had actually planned all this. So are things born this way? The most common method to counter all these miseries is not to go for the camp, but attendance is important (there's attendance?). I actually went because DM said it was the fun type of camp (agreed, very slacking attitude indeed), but very boring (get a life please, no one can stand doing the same thing over and over again for one whole day). I too was given a chance to go later, but somehow I didn't. Not saying that there aren't other methods to counter, but I would say that the materials needed aren't ready.

Boredom

It's hard to be a loner you know. I've been feeling rather lonely since the holidays started, so wanting to talk to someone or go out a little bit. However, due to my hatred for crowded places and my weird complex, I want to go home the moment I see someone I don't know. Therefore, I always stayed at home. At home, the only source of entertainment was the computer (channel 5 and 8 only have noobshit shows), which I use to play DotA and watch anime. By the way, I've stopped watching ハヤテのごとく, reason being the absence of relationship between the episodes. In the meantime, I've finished 2 other animes and is currently watching Elfen Lied (The first anime which I couldn't find on any chinese video sharing sites. The most simple and straight forward reason would be because the anime contained too much H, and if you look at the introduction on 百度 and Wikipedia, you would notice that Wikipedia sounded much more positive than 百度. If you simply watched the beginning of the story, then you would most likely say that it sucked, but the middle part was rather meaningful. However, there is something I agree with 百度, which is the introduction of characters which get killed soon after they get brought into the story, which is one thing the 漫画家 did to sell more paper I suppose. However, what was more weird was that the anime had all these 废 parts as well, but did not really follow closely with the manga. Of course part of it was to hide some H, but they could have put in more meaningful stuff like showing more of 耕太's anxiety when Nyuu went missing and not making it seem like 耕太 found her immediately after.), which would last me for at most 2 more days, then I will continue clearing my long list of anime waiting to be watched. Good thing there's band prac tomorrow, not saying that I like it very much, but having a change is important.

JLPT tomorrow

From the beginning of the holidays till now, I haven't revised much for this test other than reading 7 pages of my "狼と香辛料". Good news is I can remember about 60% of the words I learnt from that book, and bad news is: I am reading too slowly. How am I supposed to read fast if I only do when there is no band prac or school stuff? Recently, my Japanese haven't been improving as fast as it was during the June holidays, maybe because I grew more comfortable with the major slacking before the EOY exams. To be honest, I would say that I may be the only one that actually bothers to study at home, where as others simply slack or do what they like with what they have (If you don't understand what I mean, your literature is a failure. And if you are thinking that my lit is nothing better, is because the problem lies with my writing skills, not my comprehension skills), therefore still allowing me to remain dominant. However, what is the point of a veteran owning noobs? He still dies when he meets and elite. You look at the strongest chess players or the best sportsmen, their opponent aren't any weaker, it's just that because of that slightest bit of coincidence which allowed them to win. Half a year ago I was amazed by the J2 senior who survived through 6 years of 3rd Lang (though I think that his 3rd lang results may not be that good due to the scarce number of people that are actually still surviving), but now, it seems that there aren't much things that actually inspire me to become better because of the lack of a challenge. If you doubt what I say, go look at the online games people play. A very simple example would be Maple. The pro gamers tell you that it's a game for babies, but look at the number of people playing! Why? Because there is a challenge! Some people tell me that they have to play comp for the whole holiday just because they do not want to be outleveled by their friends. (-.-"') So basically, the presence of a challenge is very important. Until now, my parents are still bloody worried that I would screw up the test. (Are they still not confident enough just by seeing the overpwnage EOY overall which I got?) But honestly, if I screw up the test, it would a real waste of time and effort.

Waking Up or still in Wonderland?

Well, it's not really a matter of whether I am awake or not, but I feel that this reminder had given me a better understanding of the current circumstances. The concert was yesterday, personally I think we did alright, but well, some people weren't happy. Looking at the easy pieces we played (we just had a lot of off-beats), it just wasn't enough. I know we rehearsed many times, but we are just too shy (ignoring that fact that we only got like 2/3 of the people) and the song turned out to be very soft (but good :) ). Still, at the end of the day, we sucked. I know that the SC also told us that we were alright, but somehow only the nasty stuff went into my head. "You were not together..." and other stuff, but I would also say that part of it was because we were not used to the way the Assistant conductor conducts. Personally I think that the concert is somehow used to flame us. I was also told that this was chapter one only, and I was thinking of it as 2 or 3 then but realised that it was only the prolouge. There would be many stuff waiting for me when school reopens (CSE, SIMO, MOP, SMP, 3rd Lang). Simply these 5 are enough to kill me, which means there would be some sacrifice, but no, there wouldn't be.