101 and counting

ついに一百一番のポストだ！とても長いストーリーはここに書いてあるよ！だって、僕の二年前からの記憶は全部ここにある。懐かしい...　金曜日はバンドのコンペティションだよ。準備はどうかわからないが、もっと自信があるようになるは今の要だ。この一週間にいくら努力しても、あまり効果的ではないと思う。そして、自信はないなら、大会の日にきっとその場合の空白を恐れる。その時は、大きく吹こうが吹くまいが、自分だけが聞こえる。だから、その十分に、夢幻の世界に行かなきゃ。いい夢を見て天国の幸せを感じる。後で現実の世界に戻る時、もう成功した。この四ヶ月の努力はそのただの八分のためなので、選択はない。唯一の結局は一番になる！

Part of the reason I am posting it in Japanese is because I regard anime as a virtual world, and hence dump my feelings into it. However, don't be discouraged if you really want to know what I am thinking, because I would be hopefully doing one in English soon. Give me some support for my SYF, then we can feel the school glory together.

Memories

おめでとうございます！これは一百番目のポストだ。読み続いてね！

前の日記を読むと、過去に返った感じが出る。しかし、あの時の人はお前が聞こえないし、見えないし、お前は存在ではなさそうだ。たぶん、それは違わないけど、過去に返った理由は前の自分を見る。もちろん、わからなかったことがある。いつも「どうしてそんな馬鹿なことをした」と自分に聞くが、答えが見つけられない。特にとても変なこと（誰にも教えられない）と変な反応だ。そんなことが説明できる唯一の理由はその自分はまだ若すぎたので、世界は自分にとってちょっと難しかった。でも、その時に思ってる事がもう全部忘れた。今できる事は過去の間違えを忘れて、新しい自分に変わる。

That was just another piece of reflection by me in Japanese, but somehow it was still hard to do some reflection in a foreign language. Most of the time, when you can't find a word to suit into your sentence, you think of another way to phrase the sentence. Thus, the hole that is there is never filled up. Is life about filling holes or building mountains. Not saying that one should be an all-rounder but you definitely need to fill up the right space. Hence...

Argh, I can't think of a good topic to crap about.

OK, let's talk about my emo-ness again. I haven't gone back to my virtual world for quite a long time. Having been dreaming a lot these days. Probably that's why people need to believe in God, for some illusion of there is someone supporting you from behind. However, when you are determined to deny God's existence, you needed some comfort zones to vent your anger and the pain of the real world, which is your virtual world. I am feeling very sian this term because of the long period before I went back during last December. Not able to do that during the March holidays either. Just hoping that there would be more school activities Next Term.

New Habit

Ever since I came into the small classroom of SC1, I developed a habit of grabbing the smooth door handle occasionally. I don't know why I like the door handle so much but I just felt like grabbing onto something when I didn't have a pen in my hand. Then, the guy beside me would say, "Walao, what's your problem? Hug the door handle for what?" Of course it's not because I actually like the door handle so much by my hands get itchy. Then today, the situation got worse. I was spinning a chair around myself during Bio lesson. Never found out the reason why I did that, but I was disappointed when I realised that the chair is hard. So hoping to grab something soft but couldn't. The Bio teacher did suggest me getting a soft toy, but I think it would be even more weird because if I do, I need a big one and can't probably put it into the classroom. Hence, I need to find an alternative solution, but for the meantime, I should probably just bear with it.

Going through teenage is rather weird. In the past, I often wanted what other had. Now, it's not what others have that I want, but what they don't. I want to show the unique side of myself, which isn't really unique. I've been wondering why I actually gave myself a freedom of speech. There were always things which I was too shy to tell others (you have been seeing a fake me all along). Teenage is evil. You gain more independence but wanted some care. You want people to say something to you although you may not need it. That's how I've been feeling for the 2 extra hours I am awake each day. Really hope to sleep early :)

Of course, everyone still has his own secrets. I can see what every loner needs because I am one myself. Why are people so lonely? I guess it's probably the situation in Singapore. Your friends live too far from you. You can't simply go to their houses every weekend like what my Jap teacher could. She says that students in Singapore are very pathetic. I wholeheartedly agree. There is no one you could actually consider a true friend. Whom you can see after school ends and not just a contact on MSN. Ask yourself, in your life, how many true friends have you had. I would say probably those in primary school. They were those who shared enjoyable memories outside school with you every afternoon, but they have to leave you. Then you move on to secondary school and get a new group of friends, who may not be very good friends with you but you see them more often and the challenging tasks develop teamwork among you, this is when your memories of past friends start to fade. Then you move on to JC, you forget the teamwork you developed with your friends in secondary school. Your new mugging group revises the same topics as you and score about the same marks as you in JC. University is all thats left, but no matter how many friends you make in the world, there is always a time to say goodbye. We all hate these moments. I loved the birthday parties in Primary School, I loved the joy and laughter in 2M, but the memories fade.

Got slightly affected by the CSE coordinator. I am in a weird state of mind now, not tired, not active, but blissful. These moments come occasionally, but I can't cherish them sometimes. Thank you for reading this long piece of crap. Please continue to be a reader.