快乐

这两天又看到同学在Facebook上emo了。的确，无知为乐。可是，被迫当精英的同学们，已经做出了选择，无法再享受无知之乐。我想，虽然我不是很快乐，但我不为生活艰难（以及没有女朋友）而难过。即使没有人与我聊天，我也会感到愉快。人嘛，要懂得欣赏。难过的时候，就想想那些歌手美妙的歌声，或那黑暗的夜空，想到宇宙、自然。有时候，也要思考为什么自己会难过，找不到理由，自然就不难过了。我想，心情在多数情况下还是由自己决定的。

Previous Goals

Maybe it's time to start talking about the stuff which I thought about at the start of the year again. To think of it, I've learnt stuff with simply thoughts running through my head, and I've decided to put somethings aside as I carried on with life. But as I approach the end of the year, that atmosphere is back, with new bridges built and someone regretting missing his opportunity. As an INTJ myself, I've realised that I can only interact well with people who have 3 similar letters as me. I didn't study Japanese because I was enthusiastic about learning another language, but because the friends at Jap classes were the ones that I could interact well with. Even if we were to emo at one table at 日本語で遊ぼう about how life sucks, it's still a form of interaction which got me involved. Such a form of involvement was never experienced my me in a school class, which was why I continued Japanese until Sec 4. However, in J1, I didn't really get a great teacher like those who taught me for the previous 4 years, and gradually lost interest in attending the lessons. (Won't expect much of H2 as the teacher's crazy.) So back to my point. While the seniors were commenting how how stringent KSJ's criteria was, I would say that mine is no less, but different of course. Being an idealist, it would be almost impossible for anyone to fulfill my criteria.

人生

今年快要结束了。我并没有在这一年内更深刻的了解人生，毕竟自己做的每一件事，都符合我生活中的原则。回想一下，虽然有些目标没有达成，但总体上来讲还过得去。台上一分钟，台下十年功。我既然没有付出太大的努力，我就无资格抱怨。今天，化学奥林匹克竞赛的名单被公布了。那些没被录取的同学的遭遇实在是可悲。一年的心血，就这样白费了。这些与我一起上了这么多堂课的同学们，个个都是理想主义者，为了挑战自己而在年初参加竞赛。可是，某些勤奋拼搏到现在的同学们，仍然逃不过教育部的精英主义，在各种情况下都要进行筛选，甚至是随机筛选。在我的生活中，我时时刻刻的感到了身为弱者的无奈。你的命，就在别人的掌控之中，随时都可以被夺去。可是，成为强者也不是毫无代价的。我想，有些委屈值得承受，因为只有从自己对生活中的种种不满，才能摸索出自己人生的原则。

绝望

今去某些人的博客看了一下。发现原来大家与我一样，都有对生活的种种不满。我承认我没有为升级考试做太多的准备，但我认为生活中有更好的东西值得我们追求。对于胜者来说，幸福或许就真是那胜利，但身为某时候的败者，我必须懂得哲学，追求更高境界的满足感。可是，别人似乎不太赞同我对生活的观点。在这个精英体制下，我忙碌了这么多年，终于发现，是离开的时候了。参加了一天的日语活动，视野也就变得更加广阔。我没有必要与他人竞争，这是儒家的短见。竞争，目的是为了选出最优秀的人才。可是，过度竞争，会浪费大量的资源以及形成今天这样的精英体制。圣人之道，才是我应该选择的道路。

多虑

也许是我多心了。这几天，班上的各位都似乎还原了年初的状态。上个月可能由于考试，使得大家都很紧张，把时间放在学业上。而考试已过，又能回到年初那种较悠闲的校园生活。可是，仔细一想，自己身边的好朋友还是那么几个，而他们是与自己一起度过升级考试的，与其他人不同。所以，正如班上的一位学生所说，需要珍惜的，其实只有那么几位朋友。拥有博客或许对自己来说是一件好事。以自己的性格，有许多事情在现实生活中是说不出口的。博客，则成为与某些人的交流方式。这几天，我才发现原来有许多人守候着我，阅读我对生活的种种不满。我想，这也许可以作为一个起点，使朋友之间的友谊更真实。

More inspiration

It feels kinda stupid when you tell someone that you're blogging, 'cos somehow you have to write something here although you might have changed your mind after you reached home. However, I have some inspirations today. I saw an image by Best Quotes shared by some RI guy on facebook whom I don't even know. Well, I think it's quite a good reflection of how people actually interact nowadays. Perhaps like how I interacted with some girl for the first half of the year until I've decided to talk to her (although it isn't that accurate because we simply have nothing to talk about besides sharing lame stuff online XD). At the same time, I feel rather good that I've made the right decision about something. Back to emoing about my life... This year is the first time which I feel bad after scoring well for each Chem test. You just can't ask anyone for marks and no one tell you anything. Well, I was usually the bottom guy after each Humanities test asking people for their score last year, and those who are weak in the sciences will laugh about their failure with me too. However, this year is different. No one tells you anything, and you have to keep your mouth shut so that you don't offend people. I have to move over to 7B to talk to people like LJ and GC whom don't score too badly and perhaps ask MQ on how well he scored, and back in my class I just don't dare to talk to anyone besides people like 本杰明 and Isaac. This is probably the gap that lies within everyone in class. Back in 4S1, it was a society where everyone was respected for their own specialities, but in my current class, it kinda became a place where people are stuck in their own groups because people simply don't bother to socialise with others. The class doesn't play monodeal, which is why I never bothered to learn, and people simply don't bother to learn slightly more intellectual games such as floating bridge. (Explains why I'm actually on better terms with some people in other classes.) Another gap. The high productivity at class bench makes it worse. To think of it, SMTP had created an environment which bonded the people whom I can interact with i.e. mostly those who are active on facebook and bothers to play bridge with those in other classes. Not sure about Domo but perhaps him too, although I don't talk to him much. As for the rest, I somehow feel that they are just like dichloromethane and perhaps ethene (if they mix) in a large pool of water and alcohol. Just some thoughts :)

Loneliness

After one year of craziness (referring to Econs and PW of course), I went for another gathering at a friend's house today. It was kinda similar to my Japanese teacher's experience. During these kinda gatherings, the main aim is to let people socialise and have fun, or possibly, strengthen the bonds between people. However, the truth is that such gatherings are usually not very useful in a sense. Everyone's so nice in my class, but there just isn't anyone whom you can count as a true friend. The experience was totally different from the feeling I got after eating with the people from my Japanese class on Thursday. No one needs any form of entertainment. People just need to sit together and do some lame stuff. I'm not being lame but it's the truth. Even during orientation, with those people whom I thought weren't like me (well there were still people like Slau and Chang Hui), I still had fun each night and didn't want to go home. However, I was kinda dying to go home today, school was just a consideration. I swear that I wouldn't have gone home at 9 if there was a reason for me to stay on, but I somehow felt left out and left. Perhaps, it was simply because there weren't anyone who shared a common language with me. Until now I've only found 2 people, or perhaps 3 to 4, but only 2 people whom I can tell everything to. 新しい親友に会えるように願っている。

人生

数日前、去年の日本語のクラスメートたちと一緒に夕飯を食べた。そして、彼らは僕にまだ人間であることを思い出させた。僕は一生懸命学校のことに立ち向かっている間、ある人たちはもう恋愛を求め始めた。確かに、僕は一年中、実際的な人たちに囲まれ、自分の未来のことしか考えなかった。そのHPに入った女の子はクラスの男の子を嫌がって、いままで独身だが、彼女は僕が独身である理由がないと思う。確かに、学校のクラスの中の多くの女子はかわいいが、僕は彼女たちにあまり興味がない。皆は忙し過ぎるからだ。そして、授業中の話が少ないこととあいまって、クラスの女子とそんな関係になろうとしても、成功率は低いと思う。今年の三月に、ある女の子にべたぼれだった。そして、時間が経ちながら、僕も自分の愚かさに気づいて、その感情を消そうとした。そして、その経験から成熟になった。恋はドラマの中のようにのんびりでないと悟った。だが、今は自分の未来しか考えなければ本当に成功できるのでしょうか。そうではないと思う。そうしたら、この超エリートのシステムに呑まれている。どうして独身であることに対して、時間がない、仕方ないといつも言うけれど、それは言い訳だけだ。確かに、責任があって、ゆとりがないけど、僕は他の人と違う。僕は不運ではない。知らない女の子と視線が合ったことはなくもない。だが、性格のせいで、名前を聞こうとしなかった。これから、恋の求めに対する態度を変えたほうがいいと思う。

期望

具有天赋真的是件好事吗？今天的数学升级考试，虽然都有把握得A，但却有一部分的人与我一样，毫无满足感。而当我们为自己的不足而感到不满时，世界上还有另一部分人在为升级而挣扎。也许，我们的不快，是我们的生活环境造成的。当我们达到目标后，总有长辈对我们说：“不能满足于现状，而要更积极，更努力。”这就使得人们总是为一些无意义的事而烦恼。我想在这一点上，学校已经为我们打造了一个能与自我竞争，以及追求爱好的环境。我想，不快的原因可能是今天的表现无法弥补上周五和周一的失败吧。还是知足为乐。

試験

昨日の努力は無駄になった。経済の試験でいい成績を取るために、僕は夕べ零時を過ぎて復習したんだ。内容だけでなく、問題の答え方も問題集を参考して準備した。でも、今日の試験で出た問題は予想したこととまったく違った。こんな経験は初めてではないけれど、なんとなく前よりもっとがっかりした。学校は僕たちを試験のためによく育てていないと思うのだ。まず、先生たちがくださった資料は試験に全然関係がなかった。例えば、講義16~18は試験の問題の答え方を教えてくれるはずだが、実際に試験の役に立たない。先生は授業中その中の内容を全然使わないのでわかる。そして、今日は変な問題が出て、僕は先生たちがほしい問題に答えない答えはわからないので、試験に落ちた。確かに先生のせいだと思うけど、僕は宿題をやらないので、彼らは反論が十分ある。でも、やり方がわからないと、宿題をするのも無意味だ。試験の後の結論は、僕の勉強し方はまだ正しくないんだ。