When will I ever get rid of my inferiority complex?

Ardour

There's something that I've been telling myself. During my time in NS, I should be accomplishing all that I didn't get a chance to do during my school years. The initial 4 months of "rush to wait and wait to rush" has made me pretty fed up with the Singapore army. Why is it that before every activity we always have to gather 1 hour beforehand and go through all those redundant conducting briefs? I somewhat convinced myself that it was not worth the time to "make something out of my NS life" and ended up pretty satisfied with my current vocation. However, I realized that even with so much time, half of my time is spent idling and playing computer games. This is perhaps due to the fact that there are limits to the human brain. I can't read more than ~15 pages of bridge squeezes complete in 1 day. Looking back at my 5 hours of studying each day before A levels, this is still a something reasonable. However, the difference lies in interest. Even during my recruit days, I enjoyed reading the book on imaginary numbers by Nahin, which taught me a whole bunch of interesting things such as Green's theorem and contour integration. There is even the wedge product thing of dxdy = -dydx which I have yet to understand. Online sources don't explain with clarity like textbooks do. But I have little interest in reading stuff like thermodynamics and game theory (maybe a bit more of this but the author of the mathematical game theory book doesn't explain his formulas properly). Coupled with the need to do SAT practices, I hardly bother to read these books after a "tiring" (not really physical but it's annoying to wake up early) day of work.While I am still wondering if my choice to study Chemical Engineering is right, I can hardly tell that choosing mathematics would be better. No lecturer would bother to explain the ideas properly. Thus, I would probably be learning facts as magic rules rather than assessing them critically.

There's something that has been bugging after I have left school. Where did my ardour disappear to? Back then, I had to wake up early, attend lessons/CCA, leaving school at 7 and reaching home at 8.30. There were no complaints, just a conviction that everything was worthwhile. In retrospect, some additional things made a significant difference, while others didn't. It's perhaps due to a realization after watching "The Girl in a Pinafore", that I've sacrificed way too much, for a future that I never wanted. Yes, I had my egoism and grabbed whatever opportunities that were placed before me (and weren't given to the potential president scholars), but I now feel that I've been digging into a bottomless pit. There is no end to the amount of academic accolades that one can achieve, but an end to the amount of satisfaction that the achiever obtains. (Law of diminishing marginal returns XD) Perhaps I've been around smart people too often, that I see that people's lives somehow end after education. (Those esteemed gods that make it into the Ivy League somehow end up as teachers)

It is perhaps because I foresee this future that I want to seek a new path in life. I don't want my life to end here. But now that I'm given so much time, and yet still doing so little. Would I ever find something that would revive my ardour that once had such a magnificent blaze?

人生は涙がなければ値を失うかな。

Back to otaku days ~~~

I think I am getting used to crying.

Ignorance

While the internet may hold vast amounts of information, it is not as omnipotent as many have described. The post-enlistment boredom has pushed me to the national library, hoping to expand my world of thought and render it more intellectually satisfying. To my horror, despite the advent of the internet and the proliferation of ebooks, much of what is useful but unpopular remains in the inconspicuous books on a library shelf. This book named "Freakonomics" which I've just completed yesterday inspired me more than any of my GP teachers. Looking back at the past two years of JC life, I can probably say that school was a total waste of time. The content covered in H2 is too basic and misrepresents the content covered in university. While I do not advocate adding more depth, I probably could have accomplished more if the time which I used to attend school was used for self-learning instead. It is certainly regrettable that I am exposed to such knowledge at such a late point in my life, and I would probably never know about it if I didn't serve NS.

Silence

This is a late post. I have nothing to complain about my results despite not performing up to my expectations. Looking back at my 12 years of educations, there was nothing which I seeked more than pride. However, the feeling of pride no longer came from prestige and academic achievements as such accomplishments gradually became meaningless. Wishing for another fateful encounter.

The path ahead

Promenade today marks the end of my JC life. The final occasion to take photos with my friends turned out to be a messy and empty one. Why is everyone rushing to take photos with everyone else? Personally I thought that there was ample opportunity to take photos with all of your friends after the event, so it would be more appropriate for us to sit down and chat about our experience in the past two years. However, it turned out to be a disaster. Most were walking about and taking photos with one another. The emcee was completely ignored. The food was left barely touched at many tables, and the waiters and waitresses had to distribute them in order to serve the next dish (and go home earlier). I myself was left at the table and also decided to walk around since there was simply no one to talk to in such an atmosphere. Well, I guess I shouldn't expect much from a Singaporean JC Promenade. 

Now about the path ahead. This is the first time that I am making a decision for myself. My parents look from the practical point of view and tells me to take a course that is related to a career which I might specialise in the future. However, I think otherwise. Being practical has its limits. As we face the constantly changing vicissitudes of the 21st century, it is hard to determine the lucrative market of tomorrow. If I were really after money, I would just ignore my interests and simply become a doctor. However, 12 years of education has taught me that life isn't about success or money. It's about living the way you want. As an abstract person, I am contented to live in a world of thought, so I think I should be learning something such as the natural sciences. 

On my way home today there was this little bit about relationships. While I do want to get into one, I've persuaded myself into thinking that relationships are forbidden in JC. Not because I'm too young, but because there's too much uncertainty in my future and geographical barriers are likely to arise. I personally prefer not to be bounded to a place/organisation for 10 years in a rapidly changing world. Adaptability is the key to survival and depriving myself of that is not a wise decision. Moving on to the next phase of life on Thursday. My view to life might probably change. But as a cynic who thinks that life is harsh, that's rather unlikely.

苦しい...

でも、進むしかない。

Disappointment

I really can't understand why people around me are complaining that they are sad, especially those who claim to have screwed up but top the cohort. Everyone is going through the same torture, and there are people who feel much worse albeit greater effort. So STFU and accept the fact that "life still goes on".